Friday, July 27, 2007

Desperate Times

The crazidilla surfaces in a time of need. The people cried out for sustenance; Tamalehawk responded by putting leftover bacon, onion, roasted red pepper, and Swiss cheese together between tortillas. He then, for the good of humanity, applied a modest amount of leftover bacon fat on the outside of each corn tortilla and cooked it all in a hot pan. He did this all with a brave beak, knowing that sometimes the arteries must coalesce to the stomach's will.

A perfectly timed tamale delivery from a gentle heron made an excellent dinner. If you haven't adopted the concept of a second dinner into your life, Tamalehawk feels sad for you. You eat first dinner around four, then second dinner at seven or eight. Then you watch house flipping shows because the Cubs have already won that day.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

The Genius of Discontent

Signage notifies Tamalehawk that this is known as a pluot or aprium. He is an avid fan of food hybrids; free of the ethical quandaries that bind animal hybrids, why shouldn't man aspire to combine non-living foods into new superfoods? Trick question. There is no reason. This particular specimen didn't deliver on the sweet promise of either the plum or apricot, but still. The ambition garners respect.

Tamalehawk's mind reeled. What else should be melded together in the name of science? What other culinary Frankensteins should rightfully lurk in our grocer's aisles? Can someone make an onion that is truly sweet? Not just Vidalia sweet, like apple sweet. Our produce sections could be living museums of humankind's complete dominance over vegetation. Until there is a lab disaster and our reign is abruptly and violently ended.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Get Respect

Without limes, there would be no margarijos, mojitas, or beergaritas. So, essentially, there would be no summer. If you're in favor of never having summer, or of not having an awesome time with friends in the sun, or not laughing the night away in a beer garden on a spontaneous Sunday hang-sesh, or freedom of speech, or ironic street justice, then hold the lime.

Make a beergarita: Mix tequila, beer, and...margarita mix? And lime? Tamalehawk isn't a hundred percent on this one, but he urges you to concoct. For one moment, you will be OK with the fact the Bears didn't win the Superbowl, and celebrate the fact that they made it there in the first place. Embrace the power of this seething seedless citrus or be squirted or your fresh khakis. This post brought to by the National Lime Association, which exists.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Claiming the Throne

Are pistachios the secret sovereign of the nut realm? Tamalehawk knows so. Elusive, versatile, and packing a complex flavor that transcends typical nut nuances, the pistachio is the underestimated overlord of any worthwhile nut mix. Indeed, any mix that doesn't include and tilt favorably toward the pistachio ratio, hereby known as the pistatio, is not something you should serve without suffering suitable shame. It is important to note though, that pistachios are highly flammable in large quantities and are "prone to spontaneous combustion." Let's see another nut display that level of determination and power.

Detractors will argue that since the pistachio is not a true botanical nut, it warrants not the preceding fanfare. These people would likely lavish it instead on say, the crass and flavorless Brazil nut. Some may enter a bid for the highly divisive pecan or the nihilistic hazlenut. Others have argued that the peanut is thee rightful recipient of the coveted title. Tamalehawk will gladly concede the peanut's importance and indispensable contributions to the global foodscape. But in terms of straight snacking, the pistachio wins. Sorry to everyone who is wrong.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Hunting Season

Tamalehawk hasn't updated the tractate in a lamentably long time. That doesn't mean that his culinary excursions aren't worthy of review. It is high grilling season, after all. Tamalehawk is a grilling mercenary, swooping undetected into yards and porches with talons outstretched to swipe stray chops and dogs. When the Weber smoke clears, though, the bird must turn back to captive prey. What is this, for example? It's nothing, a mess. But he has eaten this mess several times already because it is fast, uses the right resources, and tastes strangely awesome.

It's true, everyone. Broiling salami makes it taste a lot like bacon. Except like a more powerful, shameful, and severe kind of bacon. The kind that will induce pangs of guilt and deep organ pain with each bite but tastes too great with eggs and toast to succumb to. Do not eat more than three pieces though, because you will probably murder your earthly vessel. Your spirit, however, will soar above the clouds with salty abandon.

Monday, July 2, 2007

Strange Bounty

When evaluating whether or not your life is actually like this, remember that it includes spitting the pits into the garbage can while meandering the kitchen and eating so many that you get an enduring stomach ache that you eventually just have to go to sleep with. This is the regimen you willingly undertake with something as perfect and expensive as cherries. Tamalehawk once pitted a massive bag by hand just to make a pie, and the memory still haunts him like sirens to soon-stranded sailors.

Earlier Tamalehawk had endorsed Treasure Island as a primary shopping venue. This recommendation stills holds true as much as it ever did. But if you are looking for an adventure, go to Harvest Time on Lawrence and Rockwell. It's an expanded Mexican grocery with terrific produce and meat and low prices. Its selection of standard, recognizable items is very modest but commendable, and the trade-off is a host of unusual products that you don't get elsewhere (Hello, jalapeno pierogies. Please get into the cart posthaste). Also, if you're into buying corn tortillas and pita bread while they are still extremely warm from the oven, then this is the place for you. Deli meats are scandalously cheap. A whole table of strange Mexican root vegetables chides you as it beckons. A cinder block of fresh feta cheese is basically free. Etcetera. Tamalehawk enjoyed his time there and will surely visit this magical land again.